Man Constantly Out Walking Fails to Find Single Dead Body So Far

A frustrated Walsh has to extend his walks to strategic locations but remains infuriatingly dead body-less

Declan Walsh of Strand Road, Portmarnock yesterday expressed his growing disappointment over his palpable failure to find any dead bodies while out walking. Despite having specifically chosen to stroll through greens and beside wooded areas, Walsh reported that he has yet to discover a single rotting corpse, even though he “always keeps an eye out for that sort of thing,” and carries his mobile at the ready should he have to call the Guards.

The 53 year-old father of two, describes how his interest was first peaked during the Middleton murder case, stating: “I got into it during that Robert Holohan thing. You saw the whole village out there searching, and they seemed to have a marvellous sense of community and purpose. That's when I first thought it might be something I'd like to have a go at.” While Walsh had previously scorned outdoor pursuits, he argues, not unreasonably, that the excitement level is raised several notches by the prospect of discovering a rotting human carcass.

The affable Northsider makes no apologies for the motives behind his ramblings, stating “It's the suspense that keeps me out there, otherwise I'd just be walking, and that's crap.” However, Walsh has been unable to locate a single missing child's decomposing cadaver and concedes that at this stage: “I'd probably settle for a drug-dealer or even a tramp, though obviously [death by] natural causes would be a bit of a let down after all this effort.”

The closest Walsh has come to realizing what he terms “everyone’s worst nightmare” was a pile of clothes in a black refuse sack which he retrieved from the sand dunes in Portmarnock. Elaborating on the story Walsh told of his initial concern at spotting a piece of black plastic protruding from the sand, which appeared to have been deliberately buried. “So I walked calmly back to the car where I got the old shovel out of the boot – no point in getting finger prints all over a corpse, that’s just playing with fire – and had a bit of a dig but thanks be to God it turned out to be just a pile of clothes someone had decided to dump. Still I was happy enough to have spotted it.”

The lack of success thus far has led to Walsh pursuing what he terms “more strategic routes” which have brought him to graveyards and the less-travelled paths through Portamrnock’s surrounding woodlands. He has also decided to broaden his horizons geographically, occasionally commuting by car to neighbouring working-class areas such as Darndale and Kilbarrack, where his carefully planned route takes him through laneways and past abandoned warehouses. “I’m doing this for myself and the community principally,” claimed Walsh “so I try to walk around Portmarnock as much as possible but what sort of activist would I be if I deliberately steered clear of high crime areas? These corpses aren’t going to find me, I’ll have to find them.”

While the cost of developing his initial interest has not been high, merely comprising the purchase of a good umbrella, the local shopkeeper admits to a growing sense of frustration and bitterness at his futile efforts. “I mean it's not like there aren't plenty of missing people, you can't stop hearing their bloody parents, whingeing on about them on the news.” However, despite the setbacks he has encountered, Walsh heroically refuses to give up on his new-found pastime. “I'm only at it a few months now, and what with the good weather over the summer, hopefully something will turn up over the next few weeks. Like a mutilated six year-old.” Added Walsh: “God forbid.”

(found in a comic blogg /www.google.com/Portmarnock)